Monday, August 30, 2010

Relationship Do-Overs?

Ok, boo, let's try this one mo' 'gin, from the top...

The hardest part about breaking up with a lover is, well, breaking. Not everyone can be like Mariah Carey--where when they break, they break. Lots of time, energy, emotions, compromise and [often times] money is invested into building a relationship. So, understandably, when a romantic relationship has run its course it's not always easy to make a clean break from that person (as in leaving them the hell alone) in whom you've invested so much of yourself and your resources. In many cases, breaking from a person and the relationship you shared also requires you to break from the residual parts of you that got tangled in the web of love/like/lust.

It seems that relationships that are negative, unpleasant and doomed to fail would be the easiest to break from. If the state of the relationship has more cons than pros, ending it and moving on seems the most logical thing to do. Right? Not so much. I know countless people (myself included) who have been in relationships that weren't worth the effort put into them who struggled in breaking away from the relationship and the other person involved. Again, just like healthy and happy relationships, major investments are made into relationships that are unhealthy and unhappy. While some people may enjoy the thrill of drama and chaos that often surrounds toxic relationships, there are also people who want their bad relationships to be good ones, and try their damnedest to turn them around and make them better. I dare say that unhealthy, dysfunctional relationships are likely the result of a one-sided partnership, where one person in the relationship wants to better the relationship, while the other denies any need for change. Healthy, successful relationships are the result of both parties willing to work at maintaining a solid foundation to grow and mature the relationship. When one person isn't in it to win it, that's when things become damaged and in need of rescue.

I've had my share of relationships where I felt like I was the only one putting in work, compromising, and making personality adjustments. And in these cases, I wasn't quick to give up on the relationships, and figured Mr. Right Then needed a little more time to realize the good thing he had. Once I show him how wonderful I am and how willing I am to be everything he needs in girlfriend, he'll be willing to put in the effort to keep me. Sometimes these thoughts were complemented by empty promises from Mr. Right Then assuring me that he, too, wanted what was best for the relationship and would change the things that caused the rifts between us. Because the truth was, the changes were only temporary, and then we were back to square one with the same ol problems. Sometimes I was even met with stringent claims that I was the one with all the problems, and I was the one who needed the work--while Mr. Right Then maintained that his only faults were a direct result of my stubbornness and selfishness. (o_O) Yep, your girl Gemmie has been there and allowed such things to take place *smh*

Just when I got tired of carrying the burden of sustaining the relationship on my own, just when the hurt and disappointment became unbearable, just when I was done being with some one with whom I had no positive future, just when I was ready to make my break and find some one else who'd appreciate what I had to offer, I'd be hit with the words, "Let's start over." *record scratch* Start over?! Why start over when multiple opportunities to fix this current relationship were wasted? What can a fresh start bring that wasn't already in this relationship that will compel you to do better? What makes a new start different from the first one? Why did you have to be on the brink of losing me to decide to change?

While these questions draw attention to the absurdity of the idea that bad relationships just need to hit the reset button to reach good relationship status, I can't help but wonder "Is starting over a valid option?" If a person in a relationship has consistently managed to eff it up and not be one to compromise, is it possible for them to have a so-called do-over that will allow them to change and contribute to building a healthy and positive relationship? More importantly, is it worth taking the risk of more investment of time, energy, and emotion to see if that change does come? What if the person actually start to show improvement and a renewed effort that looks like the very change the relationship needed?

I honestly don't know. As much as I've wanted to cut my losses, tell the shady dudes "up out my face boy", and move on to the next, it's not always done so easy since I've been so tied to my investments and being comfortable in the known--even as unfortunate as that known may be. I've never really given relationship do-overs a try. Second chances? Yes, too damn many in fact. But the idea of starting fresh, virtually erasing the past and having a new beginning? No. Yet, every so often I find myself confronting a another broken relationship I [ironically] haven't completely broken from, exploring the possibilities of what hitting the reset button could do. And where it might lead.


Searching for wings to confidently fly solo,
~Gemmie Bird

16 comments:

  1. I'm all about forgiveness and second chances but at some point you have to look at your relationship and have a come to Jesus moment. When someone shows you who they are you have to believe them. If their words and actions don't match then its time to go.

    I've been perpetually single for most of my adult life so I know what loneliness feels like but I refuse to be in a relationship just to keep my bed warm. Being in a couple and feeling alone is much worse and not worth my time.

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  2. great post. that's all i can say. reset button? if only that was a real thing. :-)

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  3. I've started over about 4 times with one person over a 3.5 year span and each "reset" was painful. Like Twit Ma said, I had to have a come to Jesus moment, realize this was NOT for me and DO MY BEST to move on with my life. I loved hard with this one and often felt like it was reciprocated and the same kind of love coming from him. Felt like I was doing ALL THE WORK and I expressed this to him. He never agreed until I left. But ehh, it's whatever. He started to change once I left. Unfair and I couldn't fall for that. My heart needed time.

    *hugs Gemmie* (oh and forgive me for not keeping up with the blog. I've been a bad girl)

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  4. Complete do-over? Don't think I've ever done it before. Second chances? Yes, but not do-overs. Can't see how it could work either. Can you really forget your past? Erase everything you both went through together? Have a true clean slate? Possibly, but not likely. Although people can and do learn and change for the better after a failed relationship, I believe that the change that occurs is unfortunately meant for the next person to enjoy. I've had a lot of moments of wanting to go back to what was comfortable cause that's human nature, but it has NEVER been the best choice for me.

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  5. @msesquire77
    "If their words and actions don't match then its time to go."--but what if they do start to match? is it worth another go round? i definitely agree with this-->>"Being in a couple and feeling alone is much worse and not worth my time."

    @tunde
    thanks :)

    @sukez
    yeah, ppl always seem to realize the good thing they had when its too late, and that thing has left the building. and in almost all cases, its for the best. *hugs back* i can def say the same about keeping up with you and others but no love lost! :)

    @thatdamnafrican
    i completely agree--most "do-overs" are meant to be used on the next person. i told this to my college bf when we finally stopped doing the "we're broken up but still actin like we're together" song and dance. he was a great guy, but he'd made one too many missteps with me and i just couldnt get over all the hurt he'd brought me. i just hope things worked out with the next girl

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  6. I contacted drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com in regards of getting my husband back and he guarantee me that in 3days my husband will come back home i waited patiently,to my greatest surprise my husband came back home in the 3rd day as Dr Lawrence had promise in the beginning.i just want to use this medium to thank him for all his efforts i really do not know what i would have done if not for you doctor,thank you drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com

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  7. I contacted drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com in regards of getting my husband back and he guarantee me that in 3days my husband will come back home i waited patiently,to my greatest surprise my husband came back home in the 3rd day as Dr Lawrence had promise in the beginning.i just want to use this medium to thank him for all his efforts i really do not know what i would have done if not for you doctor,thank you drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com

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  13. Midred Jackson Says

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  14. Need a spell caster?then think of Dr Otis Darko he is real reliable and he does what he promise you.I know all this because he helped with my marriage problem.For security reason i will not live my name here but i can tell you all he did to help me.Me and my family live in the US military base here in America,my wife is a solider and i love it that she is and i support.But being a solider means she is half my wife and fully the U.S army.before her three tour we were so in love and we had a kid son who we both love him.It all changed after her two tour in Iraq and Afghanistan,i noticed the distance her second tour she stopped call at first i thought maybe she was part of an accident but i found out that she was OK in Afghanistan.She explained that she always on patrol.It got ugly on the third. I guess in the last two tours she found herself a new lover and then totally forgetting me and our boy.I can not say i did not notice because she always has to be some where instead of with me,coming up with some silly excuse not to be with me that is ( have sex ) and her entire behavior told me all i needed to know. i did my research and i had a hint that it was her squad lieutenant. I had know evidence so a could not take the matter to any body.It killed me to seeing this happen i was going suicidal.What hurt me the most was she going home knowing that i suspect she infidelity,she kept lying to me over and over again.The power of positive thinking helped me a lot.I thought that maybe i can find in the help on the internet with the people who had being in the same problem with him.I found a lot of ways but nor worked except Dr Otis Darko spell.At that time five month ago i was so confused that i could do anything to get my wife back so i contacted Dr Otis Darko with his email address i saw in some comment on the internet at otisdarko60@yahoo.com. I laid down my problem to him and told him the entire story and he even confirmed my hint was right, how he did i do not know but he was right because my wife told me later after the spell was made effective. Dr Otis Darko cast a spell on them both do not know what he did but it seem he made them both forget they ever crossed path romantically speaking like they never know each other expect there official relationship that is squad leader and solider.I owe my life to DR OTIS DARKO what he did saved my marriage.I can tell you this because i have tried and it worked for me.Your case also have a solution with Dr Otis Darko contact him with his email otisdarko60@yahoo.com.................... YOU CAN ALSO ADD US UP ON WHATSAPP USING THIS MOBILE NUMBER:+2348077526136

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  15. Hello
    My name is Marie Scott from united states, i am married with two kids. Life has been a misery for me and my kids for over six years when my husband dumped me for his new mistress due to some minor misunderstanding that we had. So he engage in a fight with me and throw me out of the house, so all through these sorrowful period of my life, i have been in pain. So one day, as i was browsing through the internet, i came across many post about spell casters testifying how they were helped by them so i decided to seek help and advice. but naturally i didn't believe in spells or magic powers but due to the fact that i was deeply in love with my husband, i decided to go for a try, So i came in contact with Dr.iayaryi of driayaryi2012@hotmail.com but before i contact Dr.iayaryi, i was scammed by a lot of spell casters who makes me believe that they can help me. So because of all these, i almost lost hope that i can't get my husband back anymore so when i contacted this Dr.iayaryi, he assure me that he will help me to reunite my marriage, so without demanding any single cent from me, he did a spell for me and he advice me to wait for just 24 hours. I actually waited as he said, so when it was 24 hours after he did the spell, my husband actually called me on my mobile phone and started apologizing for everything that he had caused me and the kids. This was how my marriage was reunited again and Starting from this point till date, i and my husband has been living peacefully and happily. Anybody viewing this testimony should please stop by and read and if you are so interested in contacting Dr. iayaryi for any help, simply do that via his email id (driayaryi2012@hotmail.com) and remain happy. Thanks.

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  16. What a beautiful and wonderful testimony, sometimes things you don't believe can just happen. My name is Adams Vera, from U.S.A am 28 years old i got married at the age of 24 i have only one child and i was living happily. After three years of my marriage my husband behavior became so strange and i don't really understand what was going on, he packed out of the house to another woman i love him so much that i never dreamed of losing him, i try my possible best to make sure that my husband get back to me but all to no avail i cry and i cry seeking for help because i was heart broken until i coincidentally came across an online spell caster called Dr. Osasu , i contacted him and explained to him what i have been going through in my marriage and he gave me the full assurance that my husband will come back to me and my marriage will be restored, He told me what to do to get my husband back and i did, he said after 3days my husband will come back to me and start begging, it really happen it was so surprising and everything was just like a miracle, ever since my family have been living with so much happiness and our relationship was now very tight because of this great and powerful spell caster.he is a very great and powerful spell caster that can be trusted and there is nothing concerning life issues he cannot solve because i am a living testimony. i know there are so many people out there who are going through similar problems in one way or the other, believe me this is the right spell caster to contact and all your problems will be forgotten. contact Dr. Osasu viaWhatsapp: +2347064365391 Email:Account drosasu25@gmail.com

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