Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Rude Boy... You Can Have A Coke

Heyyyyy DaJuan!

Yesterday I was perusing the comment section of The Champ's piece, "5 universal dating truths," paying close attention to the male comments on dating. I value the very smart brotha perspective on relationships and enjoy engaging them in discussions (be it online or in real life).

But there was one particular commenter (VSBers know who I'm talmbout) who was comin' at a lot of folks' necks, the ladies especially, with his rude and abrasive comments. Many of the very smart sistas were offended and voiced their disapproval. Except moi. I made the following comment: "i think i have an e-crush on @_______ and his rude (literally) boy self." Now, to some degree I was being facetious about desiring this "rude boy", seeing as how the only comments in response to the dude in question were about how he should get his act together and stop being a jerk. But at the same time, I was somewhat serious because I was light weight intrigued and turned on by a man who speaks his mind, regardless of his words' ramifications. Historically speaking, I've been known to have an unreasonable attraction to guys who tend to be blunt, belligerent, and back-handed with their language.

Anyhow, my comment then ensued the following conversation with a dear friend who also reads VSB [she shall be called "Bon Qui Qui" since she herself is rude and can't stand a complicated order lol]:

*out of nowhere pops a gchat msg from Bon Qui Qui on my screen*
I too got a little moisty reading ________'s rude f^ck a$s comments
me: LMAO
BQQ: but then chalked that up to an issue I need to work on asap
me: ok?!?!
BQQ: and refused to acknowledge it publicly
me: i was like "halftime, its SHOW time!!!" **
BQQ: done
you are SLAYING me today
me: im being soooo sin-surr
BQQ: but really thats a problem
me: idk what it is about rude ass ninjas that just gets me going
and just unapologetic about his arrogant mean a$s comments?? i was like "down girl, DOWN!"
it is a problem!!! and im working on it
its obsessive behavior
to indulge in ninjas like that
BQQ: yeah because you know its never gonna work because he's cruel
see something really is wrong with women
me: we are definitely masochists
i hate myself for it
BQQ: and sadly I think we all had the same reaction just gon talk to me like that?
you a$shole!
you want something to eat?
me: dead
omg yesss!!!!
jedi mind trickin a$s ninjas
I swear its a trick

WHY DO WOMEN LIKE DUDES WHO TALK TO THEM ALL KINDS OF CRAZY?!?!?! While many women scoff at the idea of a guy speaking to her outta order (see VSSs), I know too many women (myself included) find it sexy when dudes are jerks/a$sholes/douchebags, like it's a game of verbal masochistic foreplay. And despite the intentional sting delivered by harsh language, we dismiss the painful mental/emotional affects as trivial and marvel in the show of masculinity, confidence and--to some degree--dominance. And, in mammals, these are often the traits a female wants to attract in a viable mate. Unfortunately, human beings are much more complex in their behaviors and emotions when it comes to maintaining a mate (read: significant other), so these traits won't be enough in a relationship without love, comfort, compassion, and most of all respect.

Perhaps some men are rude and verbally out of line with women (and perhaps most people) as a front,  some sort of defense mechanism to mask their own insecurities, hurts, and baggage. Or maybe some men are naturally hostile, sincere in their crude sentiments and unapologetic to those who are offended-- since they're just "keeping it real". Whatever the reason, we (women) should be more careful how we allow men to treat/talk to us. For those men who really mean to break us down and disregard us, we cannot continue to allow them to pour negativity into our spirits and cause us to be victim to such verbal/emotional meanness. It will only breed a cycle of dependence where they tear us down and we expect them to pick us back up, only to have them tear us down again with their cruel words/actions. It's usually not in a woman's best interest to be with a man who is so careless with her feelings because her emotional self will never be completely comfortable or comforted.

Having dated men who are like this, and been caught up in a situation where I allowed this behavior to continue for several months (until I finally got fed up and had the sense to move on), I know how unhealthy it is to try and build any type of meaningful relationship with "rude boys". I don't want a man I can walk all over, and to some degree I appreciate a man who can tell me to chill the &#@% out when I get out of hand (which I tend to do). But a man who will go out of his way to shut me down and belittle me to make himself look superior? Nah, son, that ain't gone work. Seriously, I'm trying to train myself to look at men who come off as jerks and meanie heads as just that--jerks and meanie heads-- and not some sex symbols worthy of my attraction and adoration. Hell, my dignity and esteem depends on not getting involved with that type of man again.

Or maybe I'm just over-reacting based on my own bad experiences? Is it possible that men who come off as rude or abrasive are just as loving and caring as the next man (i.e. the nice guy)? What is it about rude men that make women go goo-goo-gaa-gaa over them? Is there something to be said for the types of women who like men who are a$sholes? My inquiring mind wants to know...

Reforming Rude Boy Swoons Since 2010,

**as a joke, "halftime" is the so-called nickname of my vjj.


  1. Nice guys always finish last but they finish. Remember this.

  2. "and sadly I think we all had the same reaction just gon talk to me like that?
    you a$shole!
    you want something to eat?"

    I died! Twice. Now this rude stuff? I can't STAND rude ppl. BUT there's this WP i work with that all of a sudden treats me like crap (not really but he's jealous that I get recognition awards and he doesn't) so he says sh!t like, "You're just a cashier. How important can you be?" and every time I wave at him, he shakes his head at me. Says things like "I was doing fine til you got here." and "Why are you in my dept? Very weird and awkward of you." Just to be a jerk. But he's so hawt! lmao I can't take it!

    Now that's probably as far as I'll take it from any asshole. Any other one that starts OD'n loses attraction points. And if you were ugly to begin with, your attraction points hit a new level of rock bottom: buried.

  3. This has got to be some of the most ass backwards shit ever!

    I hate rude people so much that if it weren't for the possibility of jail time, I would be punching rude people out daily.

    The attention they receive only makes them worse to deal with. I was told by a girl I was too nice once. Pissed me off so much that I almost got rude on her. Dumb bunny would've probably enjoyed it.


  4. @8thlight, your comment is so wonderfully hilarious I want to find and hug you!!

    @Gemmie, I'm surprised at you! I would've guessed that a rude boy would get a throat chop from you.

    With that said, we've all been attracted to Mr. Wrong in the past. Thankfully, bad experiences are learning experiences and we just need to pray for discernment and good judgment as we move forward.

  5. @Gemmie,

    Interesting! But, not at all surprising since I know a lot of chicks (myself included) love the dominant "rude" comment every now and then. I mean, if I had a dollar for every chick swooning over a man who takes over and checks her...well, I'd be Oprah. Without Stedman. He seems stiff.


    Yeah, it's definitely sexy to see the rude boy come out once in a while. But there are limits. And balance. Balance it out with sweetness. And sure, I'm asking for the perect man here, but wish upon a star and sh*t. *shrug* lol

  6. In that case, I'll keep being an asshole. Hurrah!

  7. ok, let me be clear by saying i dont like generally RUDE a$s ppl! i, too, find rude mf-ers to be obnoxious and #StuEye (-_O) worthy. the men im referring to are men who tend to turn their rudeness on and off, especially when they are supposedly showing off their manhood by putting women in their place.

    that said....

    i PREFER nice guys. i WANT a nice guy. but... ive also been known to find the occassional abrasiveness kinda sexy. that usually doesnt last long (so they in fact finish first/quick... #TWSS)

    LOL some ppl pull off being rude as hell for NO reason and still manage to attract ppl with it. but on MOST ppl?? its not only unattractive, its enough to send me in a rage. moral of the story: be sexy with your rudeness (LOL).

    your comment brings up a whole other issue for me: ppl who take kindness for weakness or act surprised when you aren't the angry black guy/girl. dont get it twisted, ill take it to the hood on you. i just prefer to friendly and considerate by default--dont give me a reason to flip it 160deg<~~(c) hip hip dalmationz.

    trust, most have gotten throat chopped like a salad. it just so happens i find a certain degree of rude/arrogance sexy in some men. it just so happens the man i allowed to continue such behavior didnt start displaying it until a few months after we started dating. i kept hoping hed go back to being charming. *shrugs* lesson learned, like alicia keys.

    LMAO @ "if I had a dollar for every chick swooning over a man who takes over and checks her...well, I'd be Oprah." *high five* cheeks you feel me!!! i agree with everything you said about limits and balance. some one who can be forward for fun purposes, but actually has a good heart and knows to curb his rudeness when appropriate--kind of like @thatdamnafrican (i cant believe im actually complimenting him).

    we all know you know how to be a sweetie pie (re: saving me from starvation). so yes, carry on, sir...

  8. oh dear...
    im a 1st time visitor to the world of the truly outrageous (yep..everytime), so please be gentle.

    i get what you are saying in your post, but if i was a dude.. all i would see is:
    i get turned on by supreme/overt arrogance.
    i dont want a man i can walk all over.
    as long as its not crossing a line, im fine with it.

    its sending the wrong/mixed message. i know there are females who like the bad boy, the rude bwoy, the arrogant, smug, cocky boy. but we shouldnt and this post kinda feeds the behaviour.

    that same dude is going to run into a girl that wants to be respected, is going to turn her into a cold cynical batch and then she in turn will treat the next good guy like hst.. and cycle will just keep going.

    we can't tell dudes to respect our minds/bodies, and then joke about how the dude that put us in our place could get a sammich. it's why we women aren't ever taken seriously, why bitcha$$ dudes feel as long as they are "6'10 and handsome" (ugh) they can degrade and condescend to us and why the good guys look at all the play the a$$holes get and try to change their personality accordingly.

    maybe im just taking this one a little to personally after my um..discussion with the dood in question - but yeah.. that's my 2 cents

    *please no tomatoes or shoes thrown! i mean no disrespect! : )

  9. @KB
    girl you know i love you. but uhhhhh did you read the post in its entirety?? or even any of my comments?? lol. because i made the same points you made. i dont excuse rude behavior or the women who allow it. i recognize its self-destructive. and i for one dont condone it. at all.

  10. I think it's about finding a dude willing to stick up for what he believes with no apologizes that women find attractive. I for one love a good word play with a dude, but once he hurts my feelings I'm goin for his emotional jugglar. I'm talkin the bed-wettin til 15, still sleeps with his blanket and cries over his dog Spot, emotional jugglar. And a lot of dudes love that, and it drives me insane that they insult me to bait me into it. And I think that could be the thing. They bait you so you get defensive and what not because just like we like men who stick up for themselves, they like women who stick up for themselves as well.
    But trust, ninja hurts my feelings he ain't gettin no sammich...without an apology first.

  11. lolll
    i did indeed! (even though my rass should be in bed). im just reading it though a man's eyes. many would skip over all the moral of the story and see the sex/food part. (cuz truly that's all they want!) lol. technically you did say: it just so happens i find a certain degree of rude/arrogance sexy in some men. how are they supposed to know what that degree is until they try a ting? im asking genuine questions cuz my inquiring mind does want to know. can you imagine what dood in question would say to this post? *shudders a la sideshow bob.

    the post is an important psa because there ARE women out there who excuse the behaviour for a pretty face or some good d*ck and they may not even see it.

    ive come to discover quite a few blogs over the last couple of months, and have noted the power they have to turn lightbulbs on and inspire. so i will carebear share this and make the world a better place for you and me. mj. : )

  12. Heyyyyy. Nightcap in the muthaf*ckin' house! Was that rude? Anywho, I like a little alpha-male in my men too, but luckily I've learned to dislike rudeness in men as I've gotten older. It was never a conscious turn-on though, it was more like I hated them, and then the hate manifested into passion. My early 20's were a complicated time in my life. lol. Now a days, I appreciate a little smart cynicism. A cerebral a$$hole really gets nightcap going. However, if the delivery is pure Andrew Dice Clay-type-misogyny then that will NEVER ever turn me on. Regarding homeboy on VSB the other day, what got me was his mention of being a Scorpio. purrr...Plus, I have to admit, what he said was kind of true. Too many VSSs put the responsibility of their choices on knucklehead men.

  13. Wow,
    this post hits home for me.
    Yesterday, I was thinking about that exact issue.
    I've noticed that I just let people say whatever to me.
    I've never been that girl that will go off as soon as you say something that is out of line.
    I don't stick up for myself but i know I need to.
    'Cause im tired of feeling broken.
    I've had a lot of days this year where i just felt broken..u know just shattered.
    I have a friend who sometimes says mean things to me.
    He wasn't always like this though.
    Its only been this year that he's been this way.
    It used to be the worst during march and febuary.
    I remember crying a couple of nights asking God if I'm wrong about maybe i read him wrong but im not...he was only acting like that because of his own pain..he was really negative back then....even though thats no excuse for the things he said to me.
    My heart was open to him and he hurt me so bad.
    I never thought he would hurt me like that.
    He apologized a couple of months ago when he was telling me that I'm a good friend and that he's lucky to have me in his life.
    It still hurts though sometimes when he says disrespectful things though.
    He's just one of those people i can't just give up on.
    I really do care about him but sometimes he makes me not want to be friends anymore.
    Sometimes i wish i didn't care about people so much but i do.
    I know i need to work on myself because thats the only way i will feel better about myself.
    I need to stick up for myself because obviously no one else will.
    I'm the only one who has my back other than god.
    I don't want my daughter to be a doormat like I've become.
    I'm just tired of my kindness being taking for a weakness.
    Good girls seem to always finish last while i watch niggas go after "bad bitches" or hoes.
    I refuse to go out like a trick.
    Thats one thing thats non-negotiable with me.
    I'm not gonna put myself through that..I've seen what it does to themselves to niggas who only care about busting a couple of nuts...i already have enough issues to deal with anyway.
    Thats why im celibate. ;)

    Lol, im sorry for this long comment...i guess i just had to get some things off my chest...great post!!
    You have a new reader in me.
    I tend to lurk on blogs but i just had to comment on this one.

  14. I don't have kids though.(i wanted to clear that up..nttawt though)
    Its just i speak like that because as my 18th birthday was approaching...i started thinkin' back on some of the things I did...& was like hell naw i don't ever want my daughter to do that shit...thats why nowadays im always thinkin' like would i want my child to do this 4real
    keeps me out of trouble plus im trying to get closer to god.
    The bible is a pretty good book.
    It made me wish i went to bible study when i was younger.
    I would be one of those people who can just quote scriptures for every situation or just randomly...aaw i can see it

  15. @XoXoTestorshia
    "I think it's about finding a dude willing to stick up for what he believes with no apologizes that women find attractive. I for one love a good word play with a dude, but once he hurts my feelings I'm goin for his emotional jugglar."<--THIS!! i feel you. some of my closest male friends are quick to spar with words but in a playful manner. but true, once my feelings are hurt and they are disregarded after expressing said hurt, i shut down and move on. i absolutely do NOT like a person who is intentionally mean and likes to see another person hurt as a result.

    LOL girl i was kidding. i should be more gracious for you reading AND commenting, and sharing with the world! i really do appreciate you *hugs*. but the truth is--i have BEEN that girl (though unintentionally) to get caught up on ninjas who are unworthy and have (thank God) learned much from the experiences) so i have no problem putting myself on blast to be an example on "how NOT to end up in a successful, meaningful relationship". clearly im not the only one :) yayyyy

  16. @divinetranquility
    yes, bringing nightcap into this is rude as hell!!!! get off my page. wait, no, dont do that. i need readers! lol. *hugs*

    this-->"It was never a conscious turn-on though, it was more like I hated them, and then the hate manifested into passion." is exactly how it was for me too! until i realized the pattern and the source of my brief hormonal hot flash. scorpios used get me going but boy are they THE DEVIL!!!! i seriously hate them.

    and THIS!! -->>"Plus, I have to admit, what he said was kind of true. Too many VSSs put the responsibility of their choices on knucklehead men." indeed. a lot of his comments were valid. i dont know where this whole "im just playin a role" thing came about because that just mad ish complex for NO reason. bottom line: he had me at hello. but the more he continued to explain and react, the less time halftime had to give *smh*

    wow, thanks for sharing. its not always easy to admit some of the things going in our life that are unpleasant. esp in a public space. that said, i think you need to DO YOU. you are soooo young and you really shouldnt get caught up on men (friends or lovers) who arent going to RESPECT you. you deserve that. deciding you cant be around some one with a toxic attitude doesnt mean you are giving up on them, it just means you arent willing to allow them to poison your spirit until they decide to make some changes. you're young, so you'll bounce back from any nonsense you go through with silly negros. TRUST and believe i was just like you many years ago and yet i still stumbled into some sh*t. but the good news is--im so much better because of it. and sometimes you need to go through those trivial growing pains to appreciate who you are and who's you are (God's). all that to say, enjoy life's journey. its one helluva ride :)

  17. my sentiments exactly. this post made me chuckle.

    i think women are to blame for seeking out men who are just plain rude. this man may be experiencing some sort of "macho-man" complex & he needs to figure that shit out on his own (no matter how sexy it may be). women like this are usually the ones hollerin' "aint no good men out there!!" no hunny, there are GOOD ones out there but your just bypassing the John Legends for the barking DMX's. Seriously, i'm attracted to a man who (like you said) has a filter, he knows how to ignore me when i'm doing my woman-talking-alotta-ish thing & when its time to "shut it down." i can appreciate an equal amount of both.

    <3 love it.

  18. What some consider "rudeness" others (myself included) consider honesty and respect.

    I am honestly paying you the respect of not patronizing you with platitudes. That my vocal pattern and choice of words are off putting are irrelevant.

    Is the information valuable? Is it correct (upon reflection)?

    Then if it is, while I may be 'rude' by definition in the delivery of my message; the intent is to do no harm.

    Dismissing social courtesy to tell the truth to someone you like should not be considered rude, but refreshing.

  19. @*stacie-ann
    "no hunny, there are GOOD ones out there but your just bypassing the John Legends for the barking DMX's" THIS!! absolutely. there are plenty of women who will pass by the good guy she claims she wants for the triflin fool she will only complain and cry about to her friends. and i know, ive been this girl for a brief snippet of my adult life. at some point we as women have to take responsibility for the way we allow men to treat us.

    while i dont disagree with you, i think there is a difference between being blunt and unabashed and being flat out rude. the guy that i reference in my post was actually saying a lot of things i agreed with and felt were necessary to say--no sugar coating necessary. but my problem isnt with brutal honesty, its with how ppl treat others. to say "i dont care how you feel" or "i like being a jerk because thats who i am" is rude and unnecessary. ppl who are self-proclaimed a$sholes gets no love from me because they generally end up creating too much friction and hard feelings that can be avoided with some care and compassion.